Trying Again: February 24 - March 2

I'm beginning to emerge from my grief much the same as spring is starting to creep into this particular part of New England. It was in the mid-50s two days ago, and yesterday it snowed. Similarly, I have begun to sleep through the night a bit better, and then I found myself tearing up for no real reason during the homily I heard at church this week. It was actually a beautiful talk on how we change in our lives and how being open to that change is both a challenge and a fundamental piece of our humanity. I'm trying to be better, to change into the man I think I need to be for my family – more patient, more giving, more full of grace for others – but I don't think that was really on my mind as I listened to the visiting reverend take us through the importance of the Feast of the Transfiguration.

I don't consider myself religious in any way, but I'm learning that maybe I'm more so than I want to admit. The funeral service for my friend Mike has me rethinking a lot of things these last couple of weeks, and so it was my first time back in church in quite some time. It could have been an aftershock for grief that brought those tears to my eyes; it could have been my son nestled against me as boredom and the Sunday morning hour made his eyelids heavy. It could have been a touch of grace.

I'm realizing the degree to which I'm casting about for something largely through the writing of these notes each week. From trying to connect with my hands to getting out of my head, my fumbling attempts at engaging with both the world and myself have been thwarted at times by my habitual pastimes of denial and avoidance and then bolstered by a real desire to be better - to be something more. To live more fully, to live with purpose, to live more for others than myself.

Man, it's hard.

Books and Stories
"Pray Without Ceasing" by Wendell Berry, as found in the first volume of Port William fiction in the LOA: The first longer story in this collection, and it was nice to see Berry stretch it out a bit. I like this longer takes better than his Joycean slice of life with an epiphany, and I'm starting to get a bit more interested in his narrator. It's Andy Catlett in this story, and I know there's a novel about Andy coming up in this collection, but is Andy the voice that's been telling stories from the past in the earlier stories as well? Is he Berry's Nick Adams?

The British Are Coming: The War for America - Lexington to Princeton, 1775-77, Rick Atkinson (started): You know how I know I'm old? I had a sudden urge to read some history the other day and I immediately decided that either World War 2 or the Revolution felt right. I don't really know what came over me other than my being middle-aged, over-educated, and very white, but I thought, "I've never read Rick Atkinson. I should do one of those." And so I bought both this volume and An Army at Dawn because they were discounted and a good deal. Mortality, thy name is "Military History at a Reasonable Price."

Articles and Episodes
The Complete Strategy Guide for Civilization 7 (One More Turn) and How To Analyze Start Locations in Civilization 7 (Potato McWhiskey): I'm still trying to learn how this game works, but I spent enough hours playing it this week to know that it's essentially a time warp for me. I started playing and didn't think about anything else until my PS5 crashed. Both a blessing and a curse.

Would I Lie To You: S17:E06, 07, 08: Good but not great episodes of this British panel show, but exactly what I needed on Thursday night when I climbed into bed at 8:15.

"Rifling Through the Archives with Legendary Historian Robert Caro" (Smithsonian Magazine): Add Caro to the list of topics I will always be willing to read about. For those keeping score at home, that list currently includes SNL, art theft, and heists (and now Robert Caro - and John McPhee now that I think about it...)

"Your Kid Got Into College. Does She Need a Bed Party?" (NYT): No. The answer is no. What in the fuck?

Music
A Live One, Phish: My preparation for the book club and search for transcendence of the self continues.

"Handle With Care", The Traveling Wilburys: My kids have essentially decided to be Beatles fans to humor me, I'm pretty sure. When he can see that I can't take another Top 40 song on one of our drives, my son will ask for some Beatles and my relief is as great as my gratitude. The other day, when we had the Beatles station on XM playing, "Handle With Care" came on, and it strangely excluded Bob Dylan and, I think, Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne from the recording. When their verses came up, it was only an instrumental, and when they were all supposed to be singing together it was only George Harrison and Roy Orbison who could be heard. I suppose they don't have the rights to the voices of the living members of the band and Petty, but, I mean, why even play the song at all if that's what you're going to do to it? Such a weird choice.